For those PeP readers contemplating a visit to D.C. please pay special attention to item 6:
Metro - The Underground Hell of DC
How much do I hate riding the Metro? It ranks up there with ripping out hangnails and trying to find a parking spot downtown. After awhile, you get used to it, but you do find new things everyday that bug you. Here is my little rant - just listing my top 10 pet peeves of the daily Metro grind:
10. Slow walkers - People are going places. Take a Sunday stroll on weekends. At 7am on Monday, get your ass moving. If old people with canes are passing you, perhaps you should walk a little faster.
9. Examiner pushers - There are 2 free newspapers being handed out in the morning - The Express and The Examiner. Over 90% people read The Express. I think that the guy who tries to hand you The Examiner has some type of inferiority complex. He's gotten to the point where he's about to shove it in your coat pocket. Get over it, dude. Nobody wants to read your paper.
8. Conversationalist - STFU!!! I don't want to talk to you. We're on the Metro. Just look around once in awhile and don't talk to anybody. My iPod usually saves me the trouble of running into any of these people, but sometimes I forget it at home. I hate doing the "no-speaka-englishey" thing. No, that's not true. It's actually pretty fun.
7. Cell phone talker - I don't mind cell phone conversations. As long they're kept quiet and are over quickly. I don't care how trashed you got last night or what you have to pick up on the way home. If I'm not right next to you, I shouldn't have to listen to it. Oh, and I'm gonna get real jurassic on the next guy who thinks push-to-talk speaker feature is appropriate on the Metro.
6. Escalator Rule Ignorants - Repeat after me.....Left, Walkie, Rightie, Standie. Very simple. Stay on the side you want, but follow the rules.
5. Door Lurkers - Everyone wants to get off the Metro quickly. But if you're gonna be parking your ass by the door, don't bitch about it when I purposely bump into you as I exit or enter. And if you're outside waiting for me to get off, you better have left me some room to get by you. Cuz my laptop is pretty sturdy, and I don't mind using it to leave some bruises.
4. Turnstile Campers - Everyone should have to get a Metropass. These paper tickets are killing me. Apparently it's very hard to slide it in and take it out. If you actually turn around and comment "these things are really tough to work," don't expect me to nod in agreement. I might roll my eyes and mumble "Dumbass" as I look for a turnstile that hasn't been taken over by idiots.
3. Reekers - BO, perfume, whatever. If people are dropping around you, maybe it's time to buy some soap. If you go through a bottle of perfume a week, perhaps you should consider using less. If you can smell your own BO, you should be charged with a felony when you get on the Metro.
2. iPod Sharers - I listen to an iPod. I can crank it pretty high without anyone around me hearing anything. If I can hear your music, you're gonna go deaf pretty soon. When I'm trying to sleep, I don't need Ludacris cranking next to me. And why is it that only white, suburban guys in shirts and ties listen to Ludacris? Holla.....
1. Ass Spreaders - My favorite. I have literally had only one ass cheek on a seat before because the dude next to me had half his ass cheek on my side. Some spillage is fine, but DAYUM!!! If you're that big, maybe you should be standing. You lose more calories that way anyway. And I don't have to have the armrest digging into my spine and the ridge of the plastic seat pushing my boxer briefs half way up my ass. That's my rant. Thanks for listening. It's about time for me to go down to Metro hell and hang out with these people.