Friday, May 26, 2006

My Pet Peeve

I had never been to a Cold Stone Creamery, which is odd, because Ice Cream is the bane of my existence. I am mildly overweight, those that are less charitable would call me obese. How appropriate, the sole conservative on this blog is fat. Anyhow, that aside, I decided it was time to pop my Cold Stone cherry. As I approached the counter still contemplating the various condiments that would push my obesity to the point of morbidity, I was confronted with what is seemingly a simple question "What size would you like?". Knowing the idiocy of American sizing regimes I looked to the menu to see what was this company's inane translation for medium. I noticed three phrases beside which their respective prices were listed in ascending order: Like It, Love It, and Gotta Have It. And I thought to myself, yes these look to be the potential "sizes" as the prices are listed in ascending order, but they can't really be serious. I was frozen and momentarily unable to complete my order. In the meantime the stupid clerk was getting impatient with me and repeatedly asked me what size I wanted as if it were all so obvious. Finally, I tepidly offered "Love It". And the deed was done and I had my ice cream. And the point of my post, well it there really isn't one except that I belive we should return to the days of small, medium, and large. I go to starbucks and order their coffee (regular, drip, no soy milk or horse jizz or whatever). I ask for a medium, the "barrista" or clerk goes spiraling into conniption fits as if I were ordering in Chinese. Tall, Grande, Venti. That is idiotic, three sizes in three different languages, the first two are hardly distinguishable. Think about it, the appropriate measurement for a liquid is volume, does tall or grande (big) indicate greater volume than the other. And then Venti, it simply means 20 in italian. Is a venti truly 20 ounces? If so kudos to Starbucks but maybe those idiots in Seattle could label their other sizes in a similar fashion. Or at least have all of the sizes in the same language. Better yet, adopt a sizing regime that was once known to Western Civilization before the discovery of the all important self-esteem: small, medium, large.

4 comments:

PiedPiper said...

You're not obese, X. You're just big-boned.

Der Staubsauger said...

Stone Cold Steve Creamcheese says: "Vendi, Vidi or Vici?" and "with or without Horsejizz?"

Ilya said...

I concur with Xtra, and I believe with Dave Barry that coffee consumers collectively hold the power to change things:

"We begin today with a disturbing escalation in the trend of coffee retailers giving stupid names to cup sizes. As you know, this trend began several years ago when Starbucks (motto: "There's one opening right now in your basement") decided to call its cup sizes "Tall" (meaning "not tall," or "small"), "Grande" (meaning "medium") and "Venti" (meaning, for all we know, "weasel snot"). Unfortunately, we consumers, like moron sheep, started actually using these names. Why? If Starbucks decided to call its toilets "AquaSwooshies," would we go along with that? Yes! Baaa!

But it's getting worse. Recently, at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport and Death March, Mister Language Person noticed that a Starbucks competitor, Seattle's Best Coffee (which also uses "Tall" for small and "Grande" for medium) is calling its large cup size -- get ready -- "Grande Supremo." Yes. And, as Mister Language Person watched in horror, many customers -- seemingly intelligent, briefcase-toting adults -- actually used this term, as in, "I'll take a Grande Supremo."

Listen, people: You should never, ever have to utter the words "Grande Supremo" unless you are addressing a tribal warlord who is holding you captive and deciding whether to chop off your feet. Just say you want a large coffee, people. Because if we let the coffee people get away with this, they're not going to stop, and some day, just to get a lousy cup of coffee, you'll hear yourself saying, "I'll have a Mega Grandissimaximo Giganto de Humongo-Rama-Lama-Ding-Dong decaf." And then you will ask for the key to the AquaSwooshie.

And when that happens, people, the terrorists will have won."

--Dave Barry, "This Jargon Is Too Stupid!; Would it cost less if we dropped the pretentious Italian?" The Washington Post Magazine, October 17, 2004, W64.

-=Topper=- said...

Like coffee and want to experiance heaven on earth, well Caramel Capachino Swirl may be just the thing, I can eat a bucket in a day and I am a stick.

Love the stuff, may have to special order it or something or get it from the source, Starbucks. Carabu(sp) has something similar called the Caramal Highrise. I wrote them, "listen, your coffee doesn't have candy in it, neither should your icecream, and the caramel is a blend.

In the C cap swirl there are deposits of caramel, like digging for gold man.

When they swirl, they mean swirl.

-=t=-