Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Elite Plot to Ruin Americer's Sport

So I was reading the USA Today (AKA the McPaper, Xtra's Official Paper of Record) and I stumbled across the front page... that's usually as far as I get reading any newspaper, I prefer to get my news Fair and Balanced, big up O'Reilly, whose looking out for you too?). Anyhow there is talk about curbing cheating in Nascar. For those of you who don't follow NASCAR-well, first you are a bunch of treasonous bastards who should banished to Gitmo- there was an incident with my boys Jeff Gordon and Jimmie Johnson who both failed their inspections because of some modifications to their cars all in the name of speed, hot nasty, badass speed. As a result of this infraction members of both pit crews are being suspended. Frankly this crackdown is ruining the sport.

Well, you might say, wait a minute there Xtra, cheating ain't right, Nascar has to maintain the integrity of its competition. The suspensions are in order. Well, you would be wrong. Nascar is a sport that came to being as 'shine runners accustomed to outrunning the law started to race each other. Its very origins lie in rebellion. Do you think shine runners would have been successful out outrunning the law, big old blue if you will, had they complied with the relevant tailpipe exhaust regulations or window tinting ordinances? I think not. This is a sport that represents the yin and yang of existence. Just as drivers today dominate the line between speed and chaos (yes, I am borrowing liberally from Talledega Nights) the sport's raison d'etre is navigating the crevices between order and anarchy. It is the sport of men named Peaches and Cooter. This is what makes Nascar not merely the sport of America but the sport of Americer.

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