Friday, September 01, 2006

Conservatives and Liberals Unite, Realize They Still Don't Like One Another

I'm not sure if anyone else was following this, but it seems that little birdies that live in Alaska don't like having their government pork suspended.

The Scenario: Sens. Obama and Coburn, in a bi-partisan lovefest, sponsor a bill that would create a searchable database of governmental expenditures, "The Federal Funding Accountability and Transparency Act" (S. 2590). The searchable database will have Google-like capabilities, and will be called Fedoogle. Or FFundoogle. FFAToogle. Frogger.

Democrats love this idea because it will help their constituents uncover Republican pork. Republicans love this idea because it will help prove to their constituents that Democrats waste money on social programs. Everyone wins. Just like those soccer games that 7 year olds play where the coach buys pizza when the team gets outscored. Hooray.

The bill had broad support, and was supposed to be voted on before the August recess, but all of a sudden it was stopped in its tracks. What could it be? Some bad press? A scandal involving former interns and blowjobs?

Of course not. It was the arcane Senate tradition that allows Senators to put "secret holds" on bills and doesn't allow them to come to a vote until these holds are taken off.

The political blogiverse (blogosphere is so 2005) went wild, with the right and the left teaming up to call their Senators until ever galdamned one of them 'fessed up to their secret holding ambitions. And who should we find as the culprit after all of this? Why, Ted Stevens, bridge-to-nowhere man, the king of pork. TPMMuckraker notes that Stevens was concerned about the cost of the bill. Which was something like 15 million dollars. Yes, 15 followed by 6 zeroes. We spend that about every 2 and a half hours in Iraq. Ted Stevens appropriated/porked 223 million for a bridge linking an island with no people to a city with no people. I mean, no people need bridges. But not 223 million dollar bridges. They need Indiana Jones-type rope bridges or something.

So Senator Stevens is evil, the blogiverse has done its job and rooted out another Republican trying to pork the United States until satiated. Left and Right, everyone comes together to feel good and eat marshmallows.

Until, of course, we found out that former Exalted Cyclops (the Klan knows how to do phallic innuendo) Robert Byrd (D-WV) also put a secret hold on the bill. He has since released it, but it does no good since the Senate went into recess on August 2 and we've had to wait all this time and get all this in-a-huff over it. I want my Fedoogle.


Mandingo said...

Hark? is that Archduke F.F.?

archduke f. f. said...

The archduke couldn't sleep last night.