Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Brokeback Mountain and Gay Ninjas

It is oscar season and Hollywood has come out with a movie about gay cowboys. I love Westerns. I really do. Frontier Justice, a rope and a post. Good stuff. Further, anything with horses really gets me going. There was this crap movie recently with Viggo Mortensen in some desert horse race. I ate it up. The movie's title was "Buttercup" or "Hidalgo" or something. It was the horse's name. And this horse was fierce. But I have to say, while I will watch Brokeback Mountain pursuant to my cyber obligations of staying informed of all trivial matters of public discourse, I am not excited about watching Brokeback Mountain. In my neck of the woods, Gay is like the new Black. It just isn't that taboo. In fact, people are always pestering me about my uptight heterosexual ways (not only do I date females, but only one at a time-as they say in Blog Speak--GBS(Guilty of Being a Stiff)).

So there are two things that will annoy me about this movie (though, I have given myself permission in advance to change my mind).

1. Every liberal columnist under the sun will bitch and moan about how homophobic middle Americans are as evidenced by low box office revenues for brokeback mountain.
2. In a conventional sense, the movie will suck.

First, it is a proven fact that if this movie were about Lesbian Cowgirls (and they happened to be hot- think Jennifer Lopez and Jessica Alba, meeooowww!) this movie would be Titanic big. So I am not going to discuss thing#1, but thing #2 is of vital importance to me. My criteria for a good Western is that (1) at a minimum it has to have some bitchin' action scenes and (2) that it has an interesting plot (whatever that means, really, criterion 2 is not necessary if criterion 1 is fully satisfied). Westerns really lend themselves to satisfying the fomer criterion. Cowboys do all types of cool shit: they lasso everything (steers, bad guys, women, twinkies, whatever); they shoot everything (buffalo, indians, other cowboys, beer cans); they shoot and lasso things while riding horses. Badass. (Note: actually my favorite thing is when you see people on the caboose of a train and they are shooting herds of buffalo and you see the buffalo start tumbling over the fallen buffalo. That's really cool!) So if Brokeback Mountain does not prominently feature lassoing and shooting while riding horseback, it will be a crap movie, at least in my view and that of many other red-blooded males (read:none of the PeP contributers except for Dingo). It will also reaffirm Gay stereotypes. And we can't have any competition there can we Mr. Kressley(Queer Eye reference for you squares that aren't hip to it).

If the only thing this movie has going for it is two guys bitching and moaning about their feelings for each other, of course it won't do well. Chick Flick, much. If the idea is to show that even a rough and tumble cowboy can be gay, at least make him look like a cowboy as opposed to a member of the Village People. Have him kick ass and ask questions later, and show incidentally that he digs on men and has relationship difficulties or other fru fru elements. I just wish that Western movies was one genre that could transcend the mundane and PC debates about sexual orientation. Cowboys deserve that much.

On another note, I want to offer this movie concept to any filmmaker, free of charge, that is how much I believe in this idea (and my ideas are gold-Schindler List, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Gone with the Wind, major cred). GAY NINJAS. Ninjas are cool, Samurais suck. If you watch Samurai movies they are always deliberating on ethics and philosophy and saying stuff like "woe is me, I am a badass and have to kick ass and ask questions later but am leery of disturbing the natural balance of wood and steel" or some other crazy shit. Ninjas are stealth, they have killer outfits, and they kill people. I really think the Army should investigate, 1, the possibility of deploying Ninjas in the Iraqi theatre, and, 2, whether or not an exception can be carved out for ninjas that happen to be gay. I suppose one of the basic problems is that if you know the ninjas are gay already that sort of obliterates the don't ask, don't tell stuff. So, it may be best to deploy an army of Gay Ninjas through the NSA or CIA. Just some thoughts.

4 comments:

Mandingo said...

Actually, xtra, I think you starred in the original: Bareback Mountain. Nice stuff, I really like your work.

tegwarrior said...

But what if it's not a western? What if it's a love story/ chick flick/ etc that happens to be placed in a western setting.

Take, for instance, Serenity. Set in future time/ outer space- sci-fi, right? Nope. A western set in a sci-fi setting.

It might suck, but is that sucking in the conventional sense or the unconventional sense?

xtrachromosomeconservative said...

I would say that that is sucking in a conventional sense because it does not satisfy my important thing #1 (the action stuff). As universal rule, chick flicks never satisfy thing #1 and thus suck in a conventional sense. That does not mean that they cannot suck in an unconventional sense, they can.

Rahelio said...

As it turns out the movie is quite good and doing quite well. Liberal columnists may be lining up to rave about it, but no one needs to bitch about middle class homophobia because the movie is earning a profit. In fact, in two weeks it made more per screen than Chronicles of Narnia.

Its a shame folks insist on calling this a "gay cowboy" movie. Its neither gay or about cowboys. Sure, those elements are there but they do not dominate the larger themes. This movie is a drama, not a western. It is more about family, bad fathers, weak mothers, lying spouses, denial, and the unpublicized underside of the 60's sexual revolution.

Of course this film will not delight those viewers looking for an update on John Wayne, but even Micheal Medved took the stick out of his butt long enough to give it 3 and 1/2 stars out of 4.