The Twins are looking for a new PA announcer after the untimely demise of Bob Casey at the tender age of 172. Given that the Twins have made an open call for audition tapes, expect these candidates to be on the shortlist for a job at the House that Ce-ment Built:
1. Guy who, having already gotten quite sauced, sits in the Home Run Porch and waves the American flag while "Proud to be an American" plays over the PA system during the seventh inning stretch.
2. Juan Berenger, set-up man for the 1987 Twins. Nicknamed "Pancho Villa" by his teammates, Juan would bring some Latin flavor to our blessed baseball mortuary. Also: He once played in my uncle's over-40 slow-pitch softball league. Yes, he did play pitcher.
3. John Candy. He hasn't really done much since Canadian Bacon. I figure he'd be a great choice, what with the jovial personality and his close personal friendship with Montgomery Brewster. Perhaps he can use his old Cool Runnings contacts and get Doug E. Fresh to come sit in on some games and really class up the house of a thousand troughs.
4. Mike Tice. Pluses: Name recognition, always equipped with a pencil. Minuses: Probably hoarse from yelling at Vikings for missed blocking assignments/sexual intercourse with Atlanta hookers. Seriously, he's probably going to be looking for work pretty soon anyway.
5. Louie Anderson. His credentials speak for themselves: He's a Minnesotan who once starred in all 6 episodes of a show about being a psychotherapist in Duluth; he did a bangup job hosting The Feud a few years back; he needs a good-paying gig to keep him in Jennie-O turkey and Jell-O pudding snacks. He's on the list in case John Candy doesn't work out.
6. Ty Pennington. Really, what can't he do?
7. Ryan Seacrest. Ditto. (But only if he brings along Brian Dunkleman.)