Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Yuppie

Let it be known that I have now created a new term and it should be added to the urbandictionary for widespread edification. The following represents a short list of reasons why I think I'm now ensconced in a psychologically fragile state that I will term "Yuppie":
  • I'm over 25
  • I have a salary
  • I hallucinate regularly that my hair, my symbol of youth and fecundity, is thinning
  • I go to the Washington Sports Club with wife and share side-by-side elliptical machines after work
  • I have ethical misgivings about the proportionality of income to actual work produced
  • This sometimes keeps me up at night
  • I wipe my ass casually with three-ply toilet paper because my wife and I both feel we've moved beyond the less-comfortable but more effective one-ply. That is, I no longer steal bulk rolls of toilet paper from the bathroom closets at Starbucks because it once felt good to steal the cheap and quotidian.
  • As a result, I now leave rust stains on my Egyptian cotton bathroom towel everytime I floss my ass because the three-ply leaves clods of dingleberries clumped in bunches along my crack. Because I am 26, married, and now have a modicum of confidence and self-worth I feel the urge to turn the towel inside out so that if, and when, visitors do pop into our bathroom they don't see the patchwork of browns on my expensive drying mechanism. I want to save the embarrasment I willfully create. I enjoy dirtying my towels. It keeps me young.

3 comments:

xtrachromosomeconservative said...

Superb! Bravo. Best contribution to the blog. How about for phraseology: rust stains.

Anonymous said...

Now THAT'S why you can't have nice things.

Anonymous said...

You stink-John-you stink!