Tuesday, June 14, 2005

A (faux) conversation with Michele Bachmann

As evidenced in Katherine Kersten's recent love letter to State senator Michele Bachmann, the salty mix from Stillwater has made quite the splash over the past year. The PeP thought it would be great to sit down with the venerable and always respectable Ms. Bachmann to get to know the real Michele.

PeP: So Michele, you're really making quite a name for yourself. Tell us, what drives you?
Bachmann: Power. Money. Sex. God. Pretty much the standard motivatators.

PeP: I see. Now, you've definitely been at the heart of the gay marriage amendment debate within the Minnesota State Legislature. Obviously, people have questioned your intentions. Can you set the record straight and tell us definitively, are you homophobic?
Bachmann: I wouldn't say I'm not so much homophobic as I'm anti-pro-gay. But, of course, I wash my hands with soap twice after going near one, whether they're "out" - as they say - or just suspected. The gays, well, they're just going to hell. So why should we let them be happy on earth by marrying a person they think they truly love?

PeP: You're saying you find homosexuals unclean and ill-fit to share the same earthly joys as you share?
Bachmann: Listen: Just ask yourself, what would Jesus do?

PeP: What would Jesus do?
Bachmann: And?

PeP: Uhh...I don't know. I think he really wouldn't give a shit.
Bachmann: Well see, that's where you're wrong. Jesus would turn them away from the temple, banish them to the desert for 40 days and 40 nights, and find a judge who will let an anti-sodomy law stand in this country. One little anti-sodomy law...that's all I'm asking for.

PeP: Ok. Let's change the subject, shall we? You recently wrote a commentary in the Star Tribune touting your higher education bill of rights legislation. Could you tell us a little about it?
Bachmann: As I'm sure you know, higher education in this state is run by a wild-eyed cohort of socialists, Trotskyites, reds, atheists, nihilists, secular humanists, and worst of all, liberals. No one is safe from their sphere of influence. Parents believe they're sending little Jimmy off to the Carlson School of Business, when in all actuality he's being shipped to the Karl Marx School of Treason. We need to protect all viewpoints, which is why we need to replace 99 percent of the faculty, staff, and administration at our state's colleges and universities with tried and true conservatives.

PeP: But won't that then just give conservative ideology an advantage and the unparalleled sphere of influence?
Bachmann: If a liberal has a problem with a conservative teacher, so what? If a conservative has a problem with a liberal teacher, then there's something wrong. Conservatives are the only ones capable of impartiality in this country. I'm the only person you can trust to keep away the ungodly, the immoral, and the transgendered.

PeP: Well, there you have it, folks. Michele Bachmann unplugged.

For further reading, see "Dump Michele Bachmann"

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